Do we really know who we are deep down? So often I find myself too busy to sit and think about who I really am. I mean, really…. Who just sits and thinks about who they are out of habit?? Certainly not me. What do I mean when I say, “That’s not me?” Who do I think I am? Am I really a reflection of me? So, this blog post might be a little deeper than my other blog posts, but more and more lately I’m realizing that my reflection does not show who I really am inside. I’m the person that would love to sit in a run down studio in Seattle with rain hitting a tin roof that I’ve converted into my living space… I’m the type of person that always feels like I have to express myself through something at ALL times… Like through hair, make up, clothes, etc. I’m the type of person who would love to be writing this blog article from an outdoor terrace at a coffee shop in Paris on a cloudy, foggy morning. I’m the type of person that loves dark things. Dark colors, dark hair, dark paint, dark clothes, dark music, dark anything. I’m the type of person that would love to be diva enough to eat nothing but fresh, organic food and NOT have a desire for chocolate or fried food (unless it’s sushi of course!) so my question to myself is, where did that person go over the last 7 years?
In this journey of me coming into a new season of my life, I’ve found it easier and easier to forget who I am. The last three months have been a whirlwind of craziness. Did I even have a summer? I sat on the edge for so long wondering if I was getting laid off at Aetna, only to find at the end of June that I was. Before I knew it, I was in Oklahoma for a family reunion, then back in Illinois to pack up and move at the end of Jully. Then I made it to Florida, unpacked, my husband is still back in Illinois, and it’s so weird to be without him. I mean… When you say, “I do” you never think you’ll be alone. Don’t get me wrong, my family and friends are awesome, but they don’t replace Colby or the void in my life that he fills. So now I’m steadily working towards getting my business off of the ground and I find myself wondering if where I am is a reflection of me. Is it? It’s not. So many of the things I love, you’d never be able to tell I love. I love fashion, but I dress in jeans and v-neck t-shirts every day AND on any of those given days you’ll likely find me without make up or done hair. I love God with all of my heart and trust Him with everything, but I don’t go to church and rarely do I read His word. I love my husband but he’s 1,000 miles away. The list goes on and on.
In beginning to do regular self portraits (which are still relatively hard!) I decided to just go up to my room really quickly to snap a few photos as the sun was going down. As I looked through them I saw a little bit of my personality come out. The lighting was perfect. While I was editing these photos, they got me thinking about who I really am. I have a lot of thinking to do to answer that question, but at least these photos are a start. The last couple of days I’ve been trying to dress better and do my hair and make up. So, I raise my chai tea latte (from my Keurig machine instead of Paris) to rediscovering who I am and making myself reflect the person I really am.